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The Architect

Twilight. Yes, Twilight. 11/04/2010

by Joe

I watched Twilight after getting a few suggestions for parodying/referencing it. I realized that the only things I knew about the movie were from other parodies :) So, I figured, to make fun of it, I should watch it first.

While there’s no doubt that there’s much in the movie to poke fun at and most of the dialogue is extremely corny (ie. “I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him” *gag* I’m married and I think that’s a little excessive :) ), it had some neat concepts. The vampires’ relationship with humans was something to note. Their leader, a doctor, believed in helping humanity, rather than eating it. The vampire family, therefore, fed on animals for sustenance. Animal blood, however, wasn’t as satisfying as human blood, so the vampires had to struggle to fight the thirst to maintain their “good standing” with the humans. Add Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson into the mix, throw in some Hollywood high school romance, and the “thirst” translates into forbidden teenage lust, which equals big bucks at the box office, apparently :)

Vampires controlling their thirst for the good of mankind is something I’ve only seen in Blade (but he’s just a half-vampire). Are there any other movies that feature human-sympathizing bloodsuckers (preferably without the corniness, please)?

One thing I didn’t find so amusing was the concept of the vampires “twinkling” in the sunlight. That’s right, sunlight is harmless to Twilight’s vampires. NOT COOL. The only reason the vampires stay out of the sun is to keep their vampirism a secret. Call me old-fashioned, but the only thing that sunlight should do to a vampire is burn it to a crisp.

Anyways, not the best movie, but I’ve seen worse :)

If you’re still with me, enjoy Scene 12 – “We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat”!

This scene is a whopping 1 megabyte in size (biggest one yet!), so please be patient as it loads :)

PS. Kristen Stewart would make an excellent zombie.

EDIT: PPS. Check out The Pocalypse’s CafePress store here! Feel free to discuss any store ideas in the Forums as well!

Just throw some burning napalm in there, you’ll be fine.

Yoinkinator on November 4, 2010 at 1:45 pm

oh god twilight.

Toasty on November 4, 2010 at 2:06 pm

Hey, I got some human-sympathizing bloodsuckers for you; just look to Supernatural, Season 2 episode 3 Bloodlust. No corny-ness I swear! Well at least I thought so.

Paul Austin on November 4, 2010 at 3:33 pm

I can’t think of a purely human-sympathizing case but I do know of one in which they were forced to help the last humans surviving because of a zombie apocalypse. it’s name is Last Blood over on keen spot.
here is the link.
http ://lastblood.keenspot.com/main/2006/12/25/last-blood-begins/

Andy "Freazen" Howe on November 4, 2010 at 3:41 pm

YOu mean to say that she aint one already?
I love the signs on the buildings

Eastar on November 4, 2010 at 5:14 pm

Oh man. I watched Twilight and it wasn’t bad it was just BORING. I really wasn’t interested. :/

Takorii on November 4, 2010 at 7:38 pm

You should try ReVamped. It´s a terrible, terrible vampire movie that doesn’t make much sense (a flashback withing a flashback!? Brilliant!). The guys at Cyanide and Happiness did start reviewing it, but they didn’t go to the end.

jackmcmorrow on November 4, 2010 at 9:29 pm

He’s looking for good Vampire movies Jack, not really shitty ones. >_<

Bonzi77 on November 4, 2010 at 11:12 pm

@Paul Austin, @Andy “Freazen” Howe, @jackmcmorrow – Thank you for the suggestions!
@Eastar – Ohh, that explains it! :)

Joe on November 4, 2010 at 11:37 pm

building signs are awesome and must for now on never have anything normal on them.

EvilEarl on November 4, 2010 at 11:53 pm

he’s a wuss…

NeoPhantom, Mirage Warrior of the Netherlands on November 5, 2010 at 8:31 am

Try the Daybreakers(2009) movie … overall I wouldnt call it a good movie ( the ending was trash ) but it has some of that vampire with humanity stuff your looking for as well as a good helping of the twisted vamp/human stuff … and again the ending TOTAL TRASH imo

Bob Barker on November 5, 2010 at 12:38 pm

Hey Joe check out True Blood. Its a show on showtime. I watched the first season so far and its really good. Same deal kinda. Humans are aware vamps exist and they drink synthtic blood. and as usual there are good vamps and bad ones lol.

AJP3 on November 6, 2010 at 3:06 am

Try “the Breed” with Adrian Paul. It’s basically a “buddy cop” movie with one human and one vampire. The vamps aren’t destroyed by sunlight, but I still found it interesting.

Chilingsworth on November 6, 2010 at 6:37 am

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0265104/ links to a description of the movie

Chilingsworth on November 6, 2010 at 6:39 am

Try Dark Shadows. It’s a show about lots of paranormal things (vampires, ghosts, witches). There is only one vampire in it, Barnabas Collins. He loves a human woman, and trying to become human again with a serum a scientist is making him. He drinks the blood of a few people, only because he has to. It was originally on as a soap opera from 1966-1971, but there was a revival series that was only on for one season (15 episodes) in 1991. I like that one a lot better.

SnowConee on November 8, 2010 at 10:32 am